September 10, 2012 by truckstopcomedy
My name is Craig Stackey. I am forty-four years old and recently divorced, and I am in love with Omarosa Stallworth. From her bouncy curls to her strong ankle bones she makes me melt every time I see her on television and sometimes when I’m lucky enough to see her in person I actually climax on the spot. Thanks to the kind people here at Truck Stop Comedy, I have an outlet to post all of my adventures related to Omarosa. This is the most recent account of my adventures.
I woke up on September 3rd and thanked my lucky stars. My prayers were answered and Omarosa’s husband, Michael Clarke Duncan had died. I tried to jerk it to the news story online, but I stopped, then ate breakfast, sharing my yogurt and Cheerios with my black barbie that I named Li’l Omarosa. After that, I bought a one way ticket to Los Angeles packing only tube socks and my gimp mask. On the plane I talked with a man who worked for a food services company and I asked him if his company every provided a picky platter for the first season of ‘The Apprentice’ because Omarosa was on that season. I told him I tried to get a production assistant job on that show but they wouldn’t interview me because they said my resume was coated in semen, which evidently is not acceptable. Plus, I have no formal training in that field and only have some of a high school education. I was kicked out in my junior year for getting into too many fights and getting too many HJs in the science lab. Anyway, the man seated next to me got up and went to the bathroom and didn’t come back; fine by me, Li’l Omarosa needed a seat anyway.
I got off the plane and immediately bought a star map in back of a Enterprise car rental. Omarosa wasn’t listed on the star map, which I kind of figured because she is so famous, the government probably doesn’t want crazies coming to her house all the time. Did you know she invented the internet with Al Gore? I drove to Beverly Hills and saw a bunch of Jewish people and figured they might know because Omarosa worked with a lot of them on the first season of ‘The Apprentice’. One said she lived up the hill, but probably wasn’t home because of the tragedy. I drove up anyway and parked a few miles away, walking up and hiding in her bushes. I sat in the bushes for hours taking in the aura of Omarosa and staring at the house. I brought my Chinese food leftovers from back home and ate them, drinking rain water from Omarosa’s birdbath; dining under the stars with Li’l Omarosa has never been so romantic. I finally fell asleep in the bushes and awoke in the morning noticing that Omarosa had not returned home yet. I figured she was making funeral preparations and the idea struck me that I needed to get into that funeral. Not only would I meet Omarosa, but other famous people would be there, like Amanda Peet and Matthew Perry. They could help me get my screenwriting career off to a good start and hopefully pushing my script “Salty Realm” through at one of the major studios. I got into my car and drove down on into LA in search of my Chocolate Goddess.
Hopefully you can join me in my next post and see how my search for Omarosa unfolds.