November 14, 2012 by truckstopcomedy
NEW YORK – In a bizarre twist of national affairs, it was reported that General David Petraeus claims to have been molested by Kevin Clash, the man who gives voice to the character of Elmo on the popular children’s show ‘Sesame Street’.
Tuesday afternoon the FBI released a statement saying that while reviewing Clash’s email history, they found a folder containing harassing e-mails sent former CIA director. The e-mails suggest that Petraeus was molested at the same time as he was having an extramarital affair with his biographer, Paula Broadwell.
“Next time I see you I’m going to pinch that hot ass of yours, just like I did last time. Tickle me Petraeus.” wrote Clash in one of the thousands of e-mails he sent to the top spy.
Petraeus has declined to comment at the moment.
“We’re not sure if this was out of jealousy because of the affair with Broadwell, or if Clash just ‘had a thing’ for the General” an anonymous FBI source said during a phone interview.
It has been rumored that there may be more than one character from ‘Sesame Street’ involved. FBI officials have begun to investigate Matt Vogel, the current voice of Count von Count for his possible involvement in the case.
When asked about the possible Count involvement, the anonymous FBI source said: “Clash was sending threatening e-mails to Vogel for the past six months, but Vogel was sending them right back, and his were much, much filthier, and more ominous, so we’re not too sure what the future holds right now, but we do have a great deal of work to be completed”.
While it has been established that Broadwell and Clash were not involved in any way, photographers in Virginia were able capture images of Broadwell burning her sons’ Elmo dolls in her backyard this morning around 7 A.M.