Post-Holiday Diet Tips

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January 10, 2013 by truckstopcomedy

Jeans fitting too tight? Getting winded when walking up stairs? Feeling like a fat piece of fucking shit who needs to be pushed down a fire escape? We here at Truck Stop know how you feel, so we’ve drawn up a few tips for you to lose weight.

1.) Stop eating you fat fucking piece of shit – If you stop eating you will not gain weight.

2.) You probably couldn’t hear too well with the fucking cannolis in your ears. Stop eating you piece of garbage – If you refuse/forget to eat you will drop the lbs and be in that swimsuit in no time!

3.) Spend every dollar you have so you don’t have money to spend on food – This one is super easy and fun. Spend money on things like drugs and mattresses – you’ll be moving to the streets because you won’t have money to pay for rent, so get as many mattresses as you want. Drugs are also a great way to lose weight quickly if you have any parties or galas in the near future and need to fit into evening wear.

4.) Throw up after every meal – Throw up after every meal. And don’t be a bitch about it, stick something like a radio antenna down your throat so you can throw everything up.

5.) Sell your soul to the devil – If you go to a specific crossroads in Mississippi, with dug up, stolen bones from a nearby graveyard, and do calf raises on the those bones at 4 AM, the devil himself will pass through you giving you the ability to start a video workout series and get in prime buff shape like Dick Wolf.

6.) Burn every supermarket you see to the ground – You can’t eat food if all of the places that sell food are reduced to ashes in a what was once a thriving city. The police won’t be too cool with this, so skip town as soon as do this, or lay low in the sewers, or wear one of those mustache-nose-glasses combinations and ball out on the streets, laughing in the faces of the police.

There are also super easy ways to end it all if losing weight is too hard, like:
– Do a headstand in a toilet and drown yourself
– Hire the mafia to shove the cannolis that are in your ears, up your ass and then strangle you with chicken wire
– Write a play and ask a bum to star in it as you, then actually kill the bum in the scene where your character gets murdered and then take the bums place in society as a bum.

Its almost beach season! See you on the rooftops.

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