Why I’m Not on Princesses: Long Island

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July 24, 2013 by truckstopcomedy

“Just because I’m a boy doesn’t mean I can’t be a Princess” – Timothy McVeigh

Hey, my name’s Charles and I’m a 21 year old boy from the east coast. I am currently unemployed because I am not currently a cast member on Bravo’s new hit show Princesses: Long Island.

Now, by looking at the title of the show you would immediately think that males would be excluded. But that’s where you’d be fucking wrong you sexist pig. I am a princess and I’ve been one my whole life. Just ask any guy that went to my high school. I’m not gay, I took a girl my senior prom, but you’re dead wrong if you think that her dress was prettier than mine.

Anyway, when I heard about the new show, I got into contact with Bravo and old them about how perfect I would be for the show. They agreed to follow me around for one Friday night to get some test footage, but they eventually axed me. Here’s what happened:

8:14 PM – The Bravo crew picks me up at the house that I am standing in front of in Long Island. They make me change because I am wearing a women’s blazer and leggings. Also heels.

8:21 PM – I change into a button down shirt (men’s) and a pair of docksiders (I left the leggings on. We get into black SUVs and head to the restaurant I have chosen for dinner.

8:40 PM – I am seated at a table for one and order a Chardonnay for myself. Sitting cross-legged staring at the people at the bar and at the tables surrounding me.
Bravo Crew Member: Don’t you have friends that you can invite out?
Me: This is about me, isn’t it?

9:20 PM – I had three gin and tonics by now and was on my fourth glass of Chardonnay. I decided to go up to a woman who was wearing a diamond brooch completely incorrectly.
Me: You must think your face is really pretty because that brooch is disgusting.
Woman: Excuse me?
Me: Don’t pretend like you didn’t hear me, that’s so rude are you kidding me? I cant even deal with this.
Her husband gets between us and shoves me
Husband: Hey back the fuck up asshole! What are you wearing you fairy?
Me: You two obviously don’t know anything about opulence, so I’m not going to waste my time. Enjoy your dinner, trailer trash.
I throw my wine at them and am escorted out of the restaurant by the Bravo crew. I didn’t even have to pay my check. That’s just how I do things…on Long Island *wink*

10:31 PM – I have been drinking liquor that I brought in my purse while we drive to the club.

10:35 PM – I get out of the SUV with a cigarette behind my ear, maybe a little too intoxicated but whatever. Like sorry that I like to have fun. That’s just how I do things…on Long Island *wink*

10:41 PM – I approach the club walking towards the door even though there is a line.
Me: All the fucking whores get out of line! I own this club!

10:42 PM – I rush at the bouncer screaming. We collide and he picks me up and brings me back to the Bravo crew.

10:46 PM – The Bravo crew brings me back to the door and explains the situation. They let us in and I start getting after it.

10:53 PM – The bartender pushes me off the bar for humping it and apparently making lewd gestures at the people standing there. Like sorry, but I’m a sensual person and I’m not going to hide that. If you don’t like it then I guess you can just go like eat a dick.

11:03 PM – I buy three vodka red bulls. One for me and two to throw at people who look like trash.

11:15 PM – I see a douchebag and run full speed at him through the crowd on the dance floor and throw one of the drinks at him. Direct hit! The Bravo crew drags me away as I kick and curse and spit at him. The Bouncer kicks us out and right before we get to the door I throw my last vodka red bull at the bouncer. He swings at me and I barely duck and start running away. I trip and fall onto my face, ripping my leggings.
Me: Come out here! Let’s go, my dad taught me how to throw a punch once!

12:16 PM – I make the Bravo crew take me to a pizza place. I start crying when one of the guys behind the counter makes a snarky comment about my ripped leggings.

12:46 PM – I ask if the Bravo crew can drop me off at the train station because I’m not from Long Island. They were not happy.

A couple of days later Bravo called me and told me they were passing on me for the show. It’s been a hard few months but here I am, staying strong and working on my startup business which is a lip gloss dispenser that will be put in public restrooms so dirty people can also be glamourous. Hopefully next season Bravo can reconsider. Until then, I’ll just keep being a princess wherever will have me.

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