Princess Chronicles: The Hamptons Pt. I

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August 9, 2013 by truckstopcomedy

Hey it’s Charles again and I’m back with more about my adventures as New York State royalty. I may not be on the show Princesses: Long Island, but you bet your ass I’m going to be out and about showing my face and being seen. No camera crew follows me around anymore, which is boring, but I still have a great time and remain classy. *wink*

Since the summer’s nearing its end I figured I might as well get some beach time in, and not to mention, raging at some of the hottest night clubs in the country, and maybe having some sugar daddies pay for a few of my drinks. Hamptons adventure baby! Queue disco!
8:32 AM – I had a taxi drive me from Penn Station in New York City all the way up to Montauk. It was expensive but I made sure I billed Bravo for it because I still have the account number that I charged my drinks to the night of my audition.

8:51 AM – I open my first bottle of Chardonnay that I had stashed in my purse and have a nice glass of wine while telling the driver to play music from my iPod or I’ll have him deported.

Me: Seriously, my dad’s a lawyer and I took a criminal justice class in college for like a week so I’m basically Ruth Bader Ginsberg. Chop chop.
Cab Driver: Why are you wearing bikini top? You are man!

Me: Are you kidding me I look fabulous. Turn my music up.

9:37 AM – I’m tanked. I’ve finished my first bottle of wine and am now eating the Goldfish that my mom packed for me. Feeling glamorous against the pleather seats, watching the loop video of NBC, getting some sun, and excited to turn some heads…at the beach…in the Hamptons. *wink*
11:40 AM – The cab drops me off in front of the Montauk Beach House. I walk in and demand a glass of champagne and then a room for the weekend.

Hotel Clerk: I’m sorry sir, but we’re booked for the weekend.

Me: I mean, find something. I don’t get why you and you’re bellboy would gang up on me like this. Its actually disgusting.
Hotel Clerk: What? We’re booked, I’m sorry but we can’t give you a room; they’re all already occupied.

Me: You know what, fuck you. I’m going to have my family buy this entire shitshack and put you out of a job, loser. I don’t need people personally attacking me to make themselves feel better. I bet your mother’s happy about your life situation right now. O yea.
11:46 AM – I storm off further into the recesses of the lobby of the Montauk Beach House.

12:31 PM – I’m dragged out of the bathroom in the lobby at the Montauk Beach House after throwing up and breaking the mirror. I’ve changed into an awesome pair of short black bathing suit trunks, docksiders, and that women’s Dior shirt that Kanye West wore at Coachella.

12:32 PM – The guys who drag me out tell me to not come back or they will get the police involved. Like I haven’t heard that before. Major bluff.

12:33 PM – I decide to break into the Montauk Beach House to get into the pool party.

12:43 PM – I successfully climb the fence undetected. I get up and dust myself off, then stroll into the party. I got my hater blockers on, bitch.

1:10 PM – After having six vodka Red Bulls at the bar, I’m dangerously drunk. I get up and start grinding with this guy and this girl that are exchanging numbers over by the DJ booth.

Guy: Hey man, what are you doing?
Me: What are you guys talking about?
Girl: Seriously, you need to back up.
Me: If I pull my shorts up higher, you get a really good ass shot on me.
The guy pushed me back into a crowd of people after I modeled said look. I lost my vodka Red Bull that was in my hand, and fell onto the concrete.

1:45 PM – After vomiting in one of the planters, I saunter over to a girl who’s been glancing over at me all day. Probably because I’m mostly in women’s clothing, but that’s just how I do it…on Long Island. *wink*

1:46 PM – I go over to her and her friend that she’s talking to.
Me: Hey, how’s it going? Its Charles.
Girl: Excuse me, I’m having a conversation with my husband.
Me: Ooh, freaky. You guys go two for one, or what’s the deal? Huh?
Husband: Why don’t you get out of here, buddy.
Me: Wow seriously? You don’t need to have any of this, but I think your wife is interested in spending some time with actual royalty and not new money trash in a tight V-neck.

I throw my new vodka Red Bull at the husband and start dancing with the wife to a hot Rihanna track. Within five seconds the husband gets up and punches me in the jaw. I fall into the pool and someone has to come and rescue me.

2:01 PM – I am dragged out of the Montauk Beach House for the second time today. That’s probably a record that like only me and someone from The Rolling Stones or Sam Adams has. I’m a rockstar, deal with it. *wink*
8:14 PM – I wake up outside of the Harvest on Fort Pond restaurant. I’m lying halfway in the bushes. I call my dad and demand that he makes me reservations at a hotel so I can stay the night and spend a day at the beach tomorrow.

And as the sun sets, this concludes my Saturday in the Hamptons.

Stay tuned for what happened on Sunday! (great time)

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